My response: I am so sorry to be taught of the suicide of your pricey good friend’s brother and of the tragic circumstances surrounding this demise, and the way good of you to be so involved. Dropping somebody we love is tough sufficient, however shedding a brother to suicide is just too horrible to think about.

There actually is not any proper or fallacious method to grieve; your good friend’s manner could also be fairly completely different from what yours or mine is perhaps underneath related circumstances. Grief could make an individual really feel and act fairly “loopy,” and what looks as if inappropriate or out-of-character conduct towards you could be ~ no less than for now ~ your good friend’s manner of coping together with his household’s traumatic and insufferable loss. Nonetheless, sure reactions are frequent and predictable in grief, and the extra you understand about what’s regular, the higher you’ll be able to perceive what could also be taking place along with your good friend.

Everybody grieves otherwise and at their very own tempo, and there are vital persona variations as properly. For instance ~ and keep in mind that I’m talking in generalities right here ~ we girls are typically extra expressive and keen to share our feelings extra freely, whereas males may grieve extra stoically, in silence and alone, thereby giving the impression that they aren’t grieving in any respect. Needless to say, though instances and customs are altering, males in our tradition have lengthy been socialized to maintain their emotions in verify and to themselves, to seem robust and in management. Add to this the complicating issue that in your good friend’s case, this demise was a suicide (with all of the social stigma hooked up to that), so his conduct could also be much more comprehensible.

I hope you understand that anger is among the most typical reactions in grief, and particularly for a person, it could really feel safer, stronger, extra snug and extra acquainted to really feel mad than to really feel unhappy. The anger your good friend is expressing (by saying issues to you that appear hurtful) might don’t have anything to do with you and all the things to do with the outrage he should really feel at his brother for finishing this most outrageous act. And since his brother is not right here for him to confront and we’re not presupposed to be offended with a useless particular person, on the identical time your good friend could also be feeling very responsible for feeling so offended (not solely at his brother, however at God for letting this occur and even at himself for not with the ability to forestall it). So as a substitute of acknowledging the supply of his anger and expressing it so it may be launched, on some stage he might discover it “safer” to get offended at you (since you’re his good and dependable good friend and he trusts that you’ll love him anyway).

I am reminded of an expertise I had with my doctor father a number of years in the past. He had been caring diligently for an older man who was dying, and regardless of all the things my father tried, he couldn’t reverse the course of his sickness, and in the long run his affected person died. The person’s spouse was livid with my father, and my dad confided in me how stunned he was by this girl’s white-hot anger. My father (who was an exquisite, caring, conscientious and extremely revered physician, and dearly beloved by his sufferers) assured me that for months he had executed all the things in his energy to look after this man, however he was powerless to save lots of him and he felt terribly misjudged and abused by this girl’s rage. I listened to his story, after which gently urged to him that possibly this was not what this girl was actually offended about. Maybe, I stated, what she was actually offended about is the truth that her husband died, regardless of each effort to save lots of him. I’ll always remember the look on my father’s face. He was astounded that this chance had not occurred to him, and he started instantly to re-frame how he was perceiving this girl’s conduct towards him. The subsequent time he noticed her, he was capable of empathize along with her anger fairly than taking it personally ~ they usually each managed to speak about it, acknowledge it for what it was, and get previous it.

I share this story with you merely for example how the anger that accompanies loss will be so hurtful, and the way vital it’s to acknowledge that anger is among the most typical reactions in grief. After we’re annoyed and hurting it is solely pure to lash out and search for somebody in charge. Being offended is a manner of channeling vitality, of creating some sense of the ache. After we are protesting an unjust loss, we might have each proper to be offended. Even when we all know our anger is not logical or justified, we can’t all the time assist how we really feel. For a few of us, being offended could also be preferable to feeling the underlying harm and ache of loss.

Keep in mind that none of what I am describing could also be taking place at a aware stage, and since I do not know you or your good friend, I could also be all fallacious in my evaluation. I am simply sharing with you what I feel is perhaps taking place primarily based on what I do know of regular grief. See, for instance, my article, How We Mourn: Understanding Our Variations, together with the Associated Articles and Sources listed on the base. And aside from the gender and persona points, there’s the difficulty of suicide, which all the time, all the time complicates the grieving course of. (See Grief Help for Survivors of Suicide Loss.)

Since you have already let your good friend know that you’re there for him and his household, and because you’re getting alerts from him that he’d fairly that you simply step again for some time, it could be sensible so that you can abide by his needs. Within the meantime, you could discover these articles useful additionally:

I hope this data proves helpful to you, my pricey, and that you’ll observe by way of with a number of the strategies. In any case, please know that I’m pondering of you and your good friend, and once you really feel prepared to take action, I hope you’ll let me know the way you each are doing.

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