My response: I’m so sorry to be taught of the demise of your ex-husband a month in the past, and the way terrible that it got here at a time while you have been present process main surgical procedure. I’m certain your restoration from all of this—each bodily and emotionally—has been troublesome to say the least.

I feel it’s necessary to know that when demise follows divorce, individuals expertise a “loss upon a loss.” I don’t know the circumstances of your divorce or whether or not you and your ex-spouse had resolved the demise of your marriage. What I can let you know is that the reactions it’s possible you’ll be having (shock, unhappiness, loss, ambivalence) are by no means uncommon when an ex-spouse dies.

For starters, you’re in an ambiguous position right here: though you’re not married to this man, he’s nonetheless the daddy of your kids and your relationship with him continues to be vital, if just for that motive alone. As a result of you haven’t any authorized entry to medical info, it’s possible you’ll not really feel totally knowledgeable concerning the nature and circumstances of his demise and, while you attended his funeral, you will have felt ignored or very misplaced. As you might have noticed, in a state of affairs akin to this, your folks don’t know what to say or reply, they will not be very useful or supportive, and so they might say some very insensitive issues to you. Since you can not publicly mourn this demise with out explaining your divorce, it’s possible you’ll be reluctant to hunt non secular assist. When you’re employed outdoors your house, actually your employer is not going to offer you time without work from work for this, which solely provides to your sense of disenfranchisement, as in case you have no “proper” or motive to grieve this loss.

How your sons react to this demise will rely on their ages, coping kinds, relationship with the non-custodial dad or mum earlier than and after the divorce, and their response to the divorce itself. They’re in a troublesome place too: In the event that they mourn the demise of their dad, they might really feel disloyal to you—and if they don’t mourn, they might really feel responsible for not feeling or expressing their loss. In case your sons are harboring any destructive emotions concerning the divorce, it’s possible you’ll be the goal of these emotions, too.

I say all of this to you in an effort that will help you acknowledge that the truth is an actual loss has occurred right here, and it’s regular so that you can be reacting with actual grief. Definitely not each ex-spouse will expertise the identical reactions; there are numerous variables that may form anybody’s response to loss. However, since sometimes ex-spouses have such restricted social, familial and non secular assist, it’s possible you’ll discover it very useful to vent your emotions within the supportive and nonjudgmental surroundings {that a} grief assist group or a couple of classes with a bereavement counselor would supply.

I commend you for in search of group assist in your boys, however remember the fact that the easiest way you’ll be able to assist your kids with their grief is so that you can maintain your individual grief too. So I hope you’ll contemplate contacting your native library, hospice, mortuary, church or synagogue to see what bereavement assist providers can be found in your group—for you in addition to in your boys.

You aren’t alone; there may be good assist “on the market” simply ready so that you can discover it, and I want you all the most effective.

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